“All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” – Abraham Lincoln
And boy did he owe her a lot!
Washington, on the other hand, had a very tumultuous relationship with his mother.
We all have mothers… no foolin’
What she gives you emotionally stays with you for life. No escape.
If it ain’t so great you have to work really hard to get a different message in your head and heart.
It starts from day one. Did she want to have you? Are you the sex child she wished for? Do you remind her of herself or someone she liked? Is she satisfied with her life? Were you easy to raise? All messages that she imparts to you verbally or non-verbally. You know the answers.
Fathers are indeed important, but this will be all about mothers who usually play the central role in your life as a child and have deep meaning for your life after childhood.
If you are the first born you are the experimental baby. Everything is usually centered around being the best mother. It’s as though there never was another child as wonderful.
Children born later do not get the same expectations put on them, and if the first born turned out okay the mother is more relaxed and not so ‘hovering.’
I will not address adoption or step-mother issues here as they have different patterns.
Mothers use their children to make them feel important, give love, and maybe help them in a variety of ways. We no longer need children to take care of the farm!
Raising boys is different from raising girls. They are less dramatic but mothers fear for their safety perhaps more. Mothers give messages about what it means to be female and how they are or should be treated. Girls emulate them, and boys see what a woman is and how she behaves.
As infants arrive, mothers are often sleep deprived, doing a slew of tasks, and negotiating the changes in her relationship with the father; her spouse, or partner.
There is no test for becoming a mother and no real preparation in most cases.
Children are a pain a lot of the time and they cost money!
It’s sort of; if they give you a headache take an aspirin and follow the directions on the bottle, Keep away from children!
If a mother is working or can’t afford child care that’s a big drain on resources, time, and attention for her. America provides scant help in these areas.
As children grow older they may be embarrassed by their mother or have to fight her off as they move into independence. It is the reverse of when they are little and do things that embarrass her, and she says, I’ll tell your mother, in order not to look like a bad parent.
Everyone can remember when they first felt free of their mother’s judgment or ideas. Some never escape and remain children for life needing their mother’s approval or another adult’s.
If you had a mother that was not there for you, and had problems of her own, or problems with her partner, you may have to one day understand that and then forgive her. It wasn’t you; it was her problem that did not allow her to meet your needs or love you as she might have. That’s a long hard step to get over.
As a mother, her goal is to help and tolerate your not needing her. She has to watch you make mistakes, and fall down, even as she warned you. That too is not an easy task. She needs to know you are in another generation and may have very different values and goals. It is hard to be a unique individual when you spent so much time trying to please her in the past.
In the end, most people do grow up, and do make lives that work for them. You can remind your mother that she is not a carbon copy of her own mother. Especially today when the roles of women have dramatically changed with education, work, relationships, and sexuality. It is a new world and some of it may be good, while some areas remain to be seen as positive or negative.
There is a saying that a mother remembers every detail about a child’s birth and a child remembers everything about a mother’s death. As mothers age they need children; children should not need them. They should enjoy and accept one another and have pleasant memories and times together.
If the relationship is truly bad and toxic there are cases where they may not and should not have much to do with one another. Some are totally estranged and that is painful.
In the final analysis we cannot escape what our mothers gave to us. The hope is that they had us when they were mature and fulfilled enough to give to us. We need to really teach females what being a mother is all about and what to expect as a new mother. Maybe have an Uber baby to test it out for a short while to see if we really like the role!!
“The mother’s heart is the child’s schoolroom.” – Henry Ward Beecher
What one word would you choose to describe your mother? What kind of a mother are you, or your partner? Why would you choose to have children?