“Most of the bad guys in the real world don’t know that they are bad guys. You don’t get a flashing warning sign that you’re about to damn yourself. It sneaks up on you when you aren’t looking.” – Jim Butcher
So that this is not sexist it should say guys and girls!
There are so many things that can be a big deal in any relationship that they are too numerous to mention.
However there are some that stand out and over the years I have heard many of them repeated so often that what I write may help others avoid the pain, misery, and depression that warnings could have been foreseen and maybe prevented. Watch any murder story involving couples and see what might have been prevented.
Now this is not to say that time and circumstances could change and the new issues present themselves that were not there earlier.
Usually what we are for the better part of our lives is set by the time we are young adults.
We fall in love with people, not by chance, but by our backgrounds and emotional needs. Often we accept things we see and don’t like as something else important is being offered overall.
The problem is that if the core of your emotional, and sexual needs are not being followed you will probably be ‘in trouble’ at some point. You can only compensate so much and for so long.
The big warnings have to do with your background and values.
What is important to you? Does your partner share those values?
What do you most like about this person? List one to ten.
What habits do you see and not like?
Are there secrets that make you suspicious?
Are you more important than his/her family? Friends?
Is affection shared?
Are your sexual desires similar?
Are there children from another relationship? Do you agree about how they are treated?
How is money used?
Are your goals the same?
Have you heard rumors you ignore?
Do you totally trust one another?
Are you shown you are cared about?
Do you really listen to one another?
How do arguments get resolved?
Do you respect one another?
What do you do for fun?
How many intimate relationships has the partner had and for how long? Why did they end?
Are you able to show anger and move on?
What is the use of alcohol? Drugs?
Are you both physically well? Is the immediate family healthy?
Has there been mental illness in the person’s background? In the family?
Is there any criminal history?
Have you checked the educational and employment history to be sure it is true?
Do you like each other’s friends?
Is he/she lazy? Too ambitious?
Who is in control and how is it displayed?
How compulsive is the partner?
Again, all of these ideas can be run
ning through your mind with any partner and no one is perfect. The thing here is to be aware of the extent of your concern, share it, and see what happens. Time will give you an answer. No one can be putting on an act forever. Our pasts can predict our future in many significant ways. We need to heed our instincts. We should not poo-poo what goes on in our minds. Trust your feelings.
Jumping too fast because we need to be loved and love in return is a formula for danger. The recipe for happiness is never guaranteed but there are ways to be prepared and asking these questions is a good start.
I say to clients that I want to meet their intended and have them fill out my questionnaire before they take a leap. It can be a leap of faith.
The more time the better to explore who this person really is under a variety of circumstances.
The heart has to lead but the head needs to do a bit of work as well!
If it’s a BIG deal, please make it NO deal!!
“Life is warning you to get rid of an addiction every time you are emotionally uncomfortable in any way.” – Ken Keyes Jr.
Have you asked yourself these questions? Will you now? Could they have helped you in the past?