“We are most alive when we’re in love.” – John Updike
Recently there was an article in the New York Times about What teenagers are learning from porn, by Maggie Jones.
It turns out they are getting a lot of what we would call sex education in this manner.
As a sex educator for over 30 years I was not surprised and also a bit disappointed.
It is true that most of what we teach at home or at school is sterile about the body parts, menstruation, and the like. Or, we are giving information about all the bad things that are associated with sexuality; venereal diseases, and pregnancy, and sometimes, about morality.
Who teaches that sex with a partner we care about and hopefully, love, is the best that life offers?
Well, I do, and my book does, and my blog does.
When young people view pornography, they see acts; many of them, but not a relationship. They don’t see caring, and they certainly don’t see romance.
Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with ANY form of sex, as long as both partners agree, but some of what these kids or adults watch is not everyone’s cup of tea.
They see porn from the ages of 13 and 14. In a study; there are lots of studies, 93 percent of boys and 62 percent of girls said they saw online porn before age 18.
A lot of it includes many forms of abusive or violent behavior.
As a result, some colleges offer courses about not being addicted to it, or how it might warp their libidos, or ruin future relationships.
The most popular site is Pornhub.com with 80 million visitors a day!! These sites in total are among the most visited sites in the world. That’s a message.
Most parents have no idea that their young adolescents are watching these sites. So much for family closeness and communication.
It is true that talking about sex is touchy and most parents shy away from a great deal that kids are interested in. Problem is what facts do they get. What ideas do they get? What do they try out?
They are learning all sorts of stuff. They end up thinking that’s how to behave and please a man or woman.
Some of the videos include men ejaculating on a woman’s face. It’s not what I call a facial.
They see bondage and sadomasochistic behavior. They view more than one partner having direct intercourse. They see objects being put into genitals. Some see choking as a part of the act. They watch anal sex.
Some see this as a safety against pregnancy.
There is the belief that all of this leads to a generation of men being sexually assaultive, and helps shape how teenagers think and talk about sex and how they think about masculinity and femininity. Just watch the news these days!!
Not surprising is the study that found that in 2016 teens at ages 16 and 17 said that porn was their primary source for information about sex. Great!!
Getting accurate information medically, and scientifically is necessary but the more important information is left out. What people need to know, and what they are curious about is in short supply.
While there is no scientific evidence that porn is addictive it can be compulsive.
What about technology today and people sending naked photos and sexting? All very easy and what happens as a result?
An unknown fact is that the ‘actors’ in sex videos are not paid much. Blow jobs are $300, Anal sex is $1,000, double penetration $1,200 and gang bang $1,300 for three guys and $100 for each additional male.
Guys are paid less than women; rare in most professions! They often use things like Viagra to keep an erection.
For my money one of the nastiest performances involves putting the penis into the anus and then directly putting it into the female’s mouth. YUK!
In another study, 70 percent of females said that anal intercourse caused them pain.
In all of this it is usually the male pleasure that came, (literally) first.
So, how to have great sex and learn about that?
There are some courses in colleges such as Start Strong, and Porn Literacy that help give the whole picture. There is a site; tube8.com, that helps teach about values as well as technique. Learning about masturbation and how to achieve orgasm is a good thing. Knowing that it is the clitoris that allows orgasm for the female, is important for both sexes to learn about.
Knowing about lubrication and what that is and does is important for both sexes. Toys and vibrators are not bad things.
With all of this the question of pursuing and showing you like someone and how to relate out of bed is the key. Who teaches courting?
Being complete is more than sex.
It’s the values that matter and porn is only a small part of what good sex can be about.
It can be a stimulant and it can open eyes to a whole world of behaviors, but it is not teaching
mutual pleasure and connection and the biggest goal; LOVE!
“Sex, on the whole, was meant to be short, nasty, and brutish. If what you want is cuddling, you should buy a puppy.” – Julie Burchill
Who taught you about sex? What were you taught? Are you sexually happy?