“Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others.” – Buddha
So, what’s the story here? It’s a hard one to live by; depending on yourself for fulfillment. That takes a heap of work, insight, and behavior.
We ALL behave in ways that we believe will bring us happiness, and contentment. We often fail in the end or for periods of time. We all in one form or another think about what’s in it for us.
That can be a mantra and a lifelong goal. Do you achieve it?
Most of us have moments or long periods of being fulfilled and happy. Most of us suffer periods or long periods of not being so happy. That’s life!
When we examine what’s in it for us it can be about our job, our relationships, and whatever we engage in.
We look at situations and decide if we think they will ‘work’ in our behalf. We choose. We choose our education, career, and friends. And indeed, at the root is that question; will it satisfy us and our needs?
Some friends are there because they are thought to benefit us in some manner.
BUT, the big issue here is when we engage in romantic relationships and think, What’s in this for me?
Close relationships offer us something we need; emotionally and or physically.
We want to be desired. We want to feel we matter to someone. We want to be seen as attractive, sexual, and important.
Now, it is true some people choose a partner to be taken care of, psychologically or financially. Some choose partners to be seen as youthful, and vibrant. Some choose partners to move up the social scale. Some choose partners so they won’t be alone. Some choose partners…. fill in the blank.
So, back to the question; what is in it for you?
There are martyrs but even those people get something, out of it for their emotional need.
No act is without a base for self- fulfillment!
Because of my background I am most concerned about what goes on in intimate or not so intimate relationships.
To connect with someone there can be a number of patterns and reasons that get you together. The big one here is, of course, sexual need. Today with dating sites and the Internet and Facebook, finding people is easy. Knowing about them is risky and takes time. Being fooled happens a lot. And when the sexual drive is strong it can lead you into territory that is not so good for you. You can get what you were after but in the end, you may be paying a big price for it, emotionally. Many people today have lost a bit of pride over bad connections here.
That learned journal, Cosmopolitan magazine did a survey not too long ago and found that thirty-five percent of women are having sex on first dates. Sixty percent are having it by the fifth date. Seventy-three percent of men have sex by the fifth date.
Both men and women say their main goal in dating is to find a serious relationship.
What does that consist of?
They want to love and be loved and that means getting something out of it beyond sex.
How do people go about that these days?
Is wooing and romance dead? I wonder.
Can a relationship lose its’ power? You bet.
How many are willing to put up with the ‘stuff’ that goes on in every relationship; hurt feelings, lack of open communication, needs not met…. and so on.
Who learns how to develop a good and sexy pattern together? How do people learn how to resolve differences?
All my good questions. What do couples need to know beyond the me first attitude?
Can you put ‘another’ and their wishes and needs ahead of your own?
Are you open, honest, and assertive about what you would like? How do you relate with a partner with the friends, and family members? Are you able to be loose, spontaneous, and playful? Are the values compatible? We could go on and on.
And there is no real love without real pain off and on. Who prepares you for that and what can you not compromise?
All of this is against What’s in it for me.
We don’t learn that ‘giving’ is the true source of happiness in the end.
By giving one usually, gets
It should not be a one-way street. It is never fifty-fifty either.
What are your goals and how do you go about getting them met? Are your current means working for you?
Can you examine them honestly and change what may need changing?
If your happiness can come from pleasing another and loving them, you are on the right track. If it still is, What’s in it for me, you had better work on you!
“The physical union of the sexes…. only intensifies man’s sense of solitude.” – Nicolas Berdyaev
Are your ‘needs’ being met? What are they? Is this a pattern or new for you?