“If I were pressed to say why I love him, I feel that my only reply could be: ‘Because it was he, because it was I’ – Michel De Montaigne
When any two people are together over time several changes take place. They can be gradual or quick. The relationship will not stay stagnant or the same. It has to change.
There is no way on earth that any two people; man and woman, or same sex couples, can remain the same as time wears on.
Each person comes from a different life experience and is a unique combination of feelings, thoughts and behaviors. Each one experiences themselves and their relationships to others in their own worlds.
Feeling confident, insecure, fearful, successful, attractive, and desirable is all special in every individual case.
How anger, anxiety, and conflicts are handled is a part of the puzzle as well.
Who we trust, and how we use our bodies is again our very own experience.
We all have insecurities, needs, feelings, and opinions.
There is no GPS for how to maneuver or which road to travel. We are on our own for the most part. We struggle through; some better than others. Some gain insight and work on areas to improve their lives while other flounder around, make mistakes, repeat them or learn from them. Each of us travels the road of life, basically alone in many realms.
Most of us like to be in control as that protects us from utter emotional destruction.
HOWEVER, the search for love; which means loving and being loved can only happen when we give ourselves over to complete vulnerability.
Sometimes we fake love just to make believe we have it. Sometimes we fight it off, and there are a myriad of other patterns to get what we need emotionally; or try to.
At times we are all awkward, self-conscious, or at a low ebb. We all have rejection at some point. We all have self-doubt at times. The question is; in the end are we feeling we are deserving of love?
So, here we are two people together, hopefully for the right reason; love.
We become intimate and share our selves. We talk, and have joint experiences, and plan our lives.
Things get in the way; time, jobs, money, children, in-laws, and many other areas where we can differ. Sometimes violently.
Maybe one or both have fantasies not expressed. Maybe one or both have ventured outside of the monogamy bond; and not just in the physical way.
Maybe we have drifted apart and into our own world; having trips, plans and dinners that keep us together.
Men seem to have the need to spread their ’seed’ more than women. That is changing a bit. Women want security and especially if children are in the picture. Children, by the way, make the duo a whole different ball game and change the model of being a loving couple in significant ways.
Men it turns out need a deep and meaningful loving relationship to feel their lives are well lived. They fall in love faster than women and will say ‘I love you’ earlier than women in relationships. Men suffer when they lose a love, make no bones about it. Yes, they are generally more pragmatic, strong, and commitment avoidant, but when in love they want that closeness.
Now when there is a long term relationship the feeling of being too familiar can take away the desire to be erotic or sexual. That is where the ‘you’ and ‘me’ need to work on the US.
Being touchy and physically close can include sex, or not. It is a feeling that is expressed with the body, words, and deeds.
Taking life together too much for granted, and not keeping passion alive is what is missing. Females use words; males use their bodies. Many females miss this point.
We all fear loss and there is only one way to conquer it; with true love expressed.
There are indeed times to be and feel alone but a relationship that has been there, and tested, and loving will be the best.
Coming together to US after bad times can make a renewed beginning that can be exciting as well as comfortable and loving. Being erotic takes time, and imagination. Adult intimacy is not simple. The body is more than genitals. Fantasies and any enjoyed behavior is fine. Be uninhibited. Lose control and give in. Then you will be truly joined and a happy US.
“Intensity of attraction is a beautiful thing. But to mislabel it love is both foolish and dangerous. What love requires on top of instant emotion is time, shared experiences and feelings, and a long and tempered bond between two people.” – Stanton Peele
Are you an US? If not, why not? Have you ever been?