When Spouse Means Enemy

“We continue to see one another like two people that are resolved to hate with civility.” – Lady Mary Wortley Montagu

There is not a marriage on earth that at some point doesn’t have MAJOR differences. Some are never resolved and most are dealt with in a variety of fashions short of leaving.

When two people come together as partners they bring along what they learned at home growing up; therefore, the parents are right there in the marriage. How men relate to women and how women feel about men is there before they hit the alter.

That’s why the best insurance is to look at the parents’ marriage and if it is a good one you are way ahead of the game. Most however have seen and been witness to relationships that are a lot less than loving.

Over time any relationship changes. Once passion has gone it becomes much harder to find comfortable and loving ground.

Then the pair can drift into the dutiful mundane era and live out their lives. Others can be cordial and share daily activities, children, and the business of life but there is no really warm, caring connection. It is like two roommates or good friends sharing their lives together. Many, many couples EXIST just like that for decades.

Then there is the mate who is not happy with their spouse and seeks solace from another; and that can be fully and sexually or emotionally and to keep their self-esteem, and have a ‘friend’ to confide in and complain to.

When that happens, the spouse does indeed become an ENEMY! They are the ‘outsider’ and the one that is resented, and treated in a fashion that spells out in living color, ‘I really do not like you or want to be close emotionally to you.’

In a good and working mature relationship the grievances are addressed directly and with the spouse. In an unequal relationship a partner seeks reassurance elsewhere.

This can occur in any number of situations and at any point.

The partner will certainly be aware that something is different and when one drifts emotionally the other one usually knows it. If they don’t they are not really there together emotionally. Hence the reason to look elsewhere.

When it becomes felt it is then up to either one to bring it to the fore and see where they go next.

What is especially common is that women, because by nature they are nurturers, they will tolerate being ‘badly’ treated. If their self-esteem is high they will deal with it and not be diminished.

You need only to look around to see many women living in ‘awful’ relationships because they do not feel they can go elsewhere or because they do not feel good about themselves.

In a situation where a female has high self-esteem, and is independent, which many are today, the male partner may find a less than equal person to cling to. There they are not judged and they feel important and needed. Talk about unequal.

When the situation is brought to the fore the couple can get into it and then the relationship may move to a deeper level. Love and caring will always win out. The ENEMY can again be the ‘best’ friend.

It is not an easy or pleasant road but it happens frequently.

The true ENEMY will be found out and removed.

This can happen with outsiders or even within families. When family members are the confidant and are party to making a spouse an ENEMY there can be a big adjustment within the immediate family. It will change all the dynamics.

All sorts of machinations can have been a part of this theatrical production. It can include secret calls, texts today, meetings, money involvement, gifts, and so on. The deeper the involvement the more difficult to untangle. The longer it went on the more difficult to get through.

The only way OUT is to clean it out; like an infection. It will sting but once healed the scab will come off.

The length and depth of the primary relationship will be sorely tested and it may fail, or again it may be a new beginning, new awareness and new sensitivity to one another.

“I have my bitchy side, but I don’t think I’m really nasty. I think that a lot of other people probably think that I am. Fuck them.” – Debbie Harry

Have you ever been the ENEMY? Have you ever made a partner your ENEMY? And what happened?

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