“Every day is a new beginning and a chance to blow it” – Cathy Guisewite
Remember when you were in school and had to take a test to see what you knew?
There was anxiety. So too with first dates.
Recently a young eligible man said I should write about all of this…so here goes!
Today many people use the dating sites and look for people to ‘connect’ with. Great. It’s a whole big world out there.
Getting your profile to tell about you; having a ‘good’ picture and doing a lot of searching is the norm.
It takes effort. It takes time. And most of all it takes honesty; hopefully.
Now there are a lot of not so honest people who ‘fudge’ things. The main things here are height, weight, and finances. Some use pictures that are not recent and some tell ‘stories’ about their education or life style. There may be no way to check these things except by trying to check these things. I have known wealthy women who hired private detectives to check things out!!
Sometimes educational background or employment can be easily obtained. Sometimes you can find someone who knows the person.
But let’s say you go at it cold turkey just liking what you found on the site. The picture appeals to you and the background seems good and fitting.
So, on to that scary first test.
There is anxiety and you want to be at your best; look good, smell good, and be pleasant.
My idea is that you should go for a short time to a place that has lots of people and bring your cell phone and money to get home. You should not be alone with a stranger…ever!!
If you feel attracted to the person that’s a good sign. If not, you may want to have another appointment or a headache or a sick mother to see.
Let’s move on; you like what you see.
Sit and talk over coffee, wine, or food. Up to the guy usually.
What to talk about? No problem; NOT YOU right away. Ask questions about them, compliment something about them and then move slowly to talk about you. Any kind of talking is good; what you do, where you went to school, your family, friends, interests, travel…. whatever. It doesn’t matter. Let the ‘date’ move it along and then you chime in. Whatever you disclose is fine. This will not impact the outcome. You are in the process of discovery. It takes time; no rush. Most of the time it’s usually positive talk and no discussion about your weaknesses, faults, bad experiences. You don’t want to talk about other dates!!
You will know if this person ‘fits’ into your world and values. You will observe how they relate to you, waiters, and so on. You will know if their ideas mesh with yours but above all you will instinctively know if you really like them and want to see them again.
After that first date if you want to go on you can text or better yet call them and that goes for both males and females these days. You can say you enjoyed your time together and would like to have an encore, so to speak.
If you have a negative response or no response that’s the message. Do not take it personally and get down on yourself or try to analyze why. You won’t know and you have to move on. If it happens ALL the time you may want to take a good look at you! By and large people like people who are positive and interested in them.
If you are so inclined you can hold a hand or touch a face or do what feels comfortable.
I have counseled young women who tell me they have gone to ‘bed’ on first dates. Some have worked out just fine and others have regretted it. Only you can decide what works for you. You will get all the cues you need as to how the ‘other’ person wants to be with you.
In situations that end I always ask what might you have known or done differently. The answers are always in the realm of, ‘I should have trusted my instincts because the clues were there right away.’
You don’t fall in love instantly but you do feel you want to be with someone or be close to someone fairly …right away!
The problem sometimes is that the attraction is there and strong but the head is telling you to run the other way You then have to decide what risk you are willing to take for what gain. Sex for sex is fine in many instances. Being a friend and doing fun things with someone is fine too. Being in love is a whole other ball game. That takes time, and many tests.
First dates are just that…firsts.
It then becomes like a see-saw. You share and your partner shares and you move along and over time it has depth.
There is no rule book, and no guaranteed outcomes. The best anyone can do is get in the game and risk it. There is someone out there for you who will appreciate you. Be you and be honest and it will happen. I promise!
“You can be sincere and still be stupid.” – Charles F. Kettering
How many first dates have you had? What went well and what went not so hot?