“I prefer to have too much confidence, and thereby be deceived, than to be always mistrustful. For in the first case, I suffer for a moment at being deceived and, in the second, I suffer constantly.” – Paul Gauguin
We hear a lot today about honesty and trusting one another. Maybe more than other times in history with so much information coming at us from a variety of sources, constantly. Who or what to believe?
What is a bit narrow is that we can pick and choose and usually end up with thinking any information that agrees with our thoughts and value system is the correct one.
It is the unusual person that is able to hear, believe and incorporate disparate information into their heads. It is not easy to give up an idea or a belief that has been a part of you. To take in another idea or even behavior takes a risk.
Will it work? Will the old philosophy creep back in? Only time will tell.
Will others you respect agree with the new you? Will you have to ‘fight’ for what you hold dear?
All good questions. Good questions because our belief system should change with time and experience. If we cling to what always was we do not develop and we can stagnate. Holding on to what felt ‘comfortable’ is easy; it requires little or nothing from us.
Moving with new ideas, times, and behavior, the final test, in the end, is like anything new; unfamiliar.
Now when it comes to relationships, especially love ones, that is a whole other story.
The familiar is again ‘comfortable’ and known. The expectations are there for perhaps a long time. You can ‘trust’ the responses, the behavior and that is fine. It’s fine until it gets boring, too familiar, or in fact, not trusting.
The not trusting is what needs attention here.
The not trusting, especially when it comes to shared feelings and then behavior can get very dicey.
How does it occur? Why does lack of trust happen after a relationship has been established… maybe for years.
In the beginning the need for one another in many areas is strong and then trust is a given.
In a fairly short relationship trust is not usually an issue. Not usually but sometimes it can be there from the start.
No one can tell you how to feel. No one can assure you if you are not trusting this person.
Now, at times, it may indeed be irrational.
If that is the case it may be because of your own insecurities. Even in long term situations you may hit a period or change so that your self- image is no longer what it was.
Maybe you had physical or mental issues. Maybe your body changed. Maybe you got really boring. Maybe… maybe…
Perhaps your partner is meeting new people. Perhaps your partner is needing more to feel good about themselves. Perhaps your partner wants a new you in the bedroom. Lots of perhaps…….
When you do not trust your love you probably have signs that caused it.
They are away from you more than usual. They dress differently. They change their hair style.
They have cell phones that are hidden from you. They have messages electronically that are not available to you. They are flirtatious with others. They mention someone at work as a friend a lot. You have your antenna up and you sense a difference.
Do you talk about it? Do you get angry? Do you even confront them?
My advice is to catch it in the bud. The longer it goes on the more dangerous to the relationship.
Trust is important but a breach of trust may not be the end of the world, so to speak. It actually may be the crisis that opens up an important area to address, get upset about, threaten to end the relationship and so on. But it will get you to another level of communication. You don’t want to live a life with someone whom you have to ‘watch’ every minute. In some cases the relationship may indeed end but you will know if the love is strong enough or not to withstand the deception.
Any number of relationships have been ‘saved’ as a result of opening up the wounds and then finding ways to heal and move on in a better fashion. Truth can hurt, but it can be like cleaning out an infection. It is painful but once clean healing can take place.
While it is true that to regain trust may take time and you will be on guard, so to speak, for a while it may be the best thing that ever happened, in the end.
I really like that old saying that on American dollars it says,” In God we trust.” The add on is, “All others pay cash!”- Czech Proverb