“We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love, never so forlornly unhappy as when we have lost our love-object or its love.” – Sigmund Freud
Now that’s the truth!
Have you been there?
If so you know what being hurt to the core is all about.
It is only people who have learned how to love, and given that love, that can experience the highs of real connection, and that ripping feeling in the heart when it goes. There is nothing like either end of this equation.
The being in love makes you alive in every way. You look good, you feel good, you radiate, and you connect with others as a result. You are, ’happy.’ People like being around happy people
When you are in love you dress for him/her, and you think of what you can do to make them happy. There are gestures, and constant thoughts of pleasing your heart throb.
It can be consuming. It certainly is a healthy way to live this life.
Sharing your body only reinforces the connection and becomes a pure delight. It says,” I love you” in a way that nothing else can.
Now when the feelings change there may be denial, overlooking, or trying to move the relationship forward and past the bad stuff.
The things that make love go can vary depending on the individuals and their values and needs.
It can happen in small doses or in a giant revelation.
As the feelings begin to build up there should be conversation about whatever is going on. If one partner is feeling badly about things you can be sure, unless they are totally insensitive, that the other partner is aware.
Feelings will drive the behavior.
You cannot be hugging and kissing someone who hurts you. A wall builds up.
The heart has scar tissue around it and it can eventually have a big scab.
If it is a chronic or toxic situation then you need tom address what is going on with you that you continue to tolerate such treatment. What are you and the relationship worth, so to speak?
While it is true that real love asks nothing in return, if nothing is given on the other side then maybe it has become a one-sided affair.
All of us are limited in some ways and the ways in which we are intimate with a partner shows what type of person we are.
It will be up and down and ambivalent for a while. It is not an easy fast fix. Time will help.
There are people that give one hundred percent, and love in every way possible. There are people who can only give, ’so much’ and in specific ways. It is up to each partner to determine what is enough and in what way they accept another’s demonstrations of love.
Throughout history there are examples of truly shared wonderful lovers, as well as limited love accepted or rejected by a partner.
Only you can decide what works for you.
The other problem is that once you have stated what you need, the partner then has to see if they can or want to deliver. Just hearing the problem doesn’t solve it or make it go away. Actions are what count.
Sometimes a partner can rationalize, excuse, or forgive, the hurts but eventually they will bubble up again. The bottom line will be if the partner hears the message and then tries to fix it; it may be a begrudging ‘fix’ and that also won’t work.
When someone wants to please you, it should be their joy!
So, if you are ending a relationship that has been true love you need not despair.
You can help yourself by not concentrating on the good parts but force the ‘bad’ parts into your head.
Keep busy. Find new projects. Be around people who are caring about you. Talk to someone about what you are experiencing. Find friends who understand and support your decision to end the relationship.
You can learn from it and screen the next love for success. WE probably love, maybe two people in a lifetime, so be wise and do not squander it. Loving means loving in many ways, and rough times may make it even more intense!!
“It’s not love’s going hurts my days, but that it went in little ways. – Edna St. Vincent Millay