“Intensity of attraction is a beautiful thing. But to mislabel it love is both foolish and dangerous. What love requires on top of instant emotion is time, shared experiences and feelings, and a long and tempered bond between two people.” – Stanton Peele
Recently I visited a prestigious college campus and had the opportunity to speak with a number of students. Naturally I was concerned with their love lives.
The girls spoke of difficulty with guys they were involved with and the subject of commitment came up.
Being labeled ‘sexist’ in a number of regards has never altered my opinions about the genetic differences that will never change between males and females.
While we have, all heard the mantra that the only things you can count on are death and taxes, many people need to `count on’ a partner and want them emotionally tied to them alone. That means commitment.
Now when young people talk that way I get a bit concerned. To be tied to one person at young ages does not allow for a wide variety of romantic experiences. Those experiences will be helpful in the long run in choosing someone to perhaps marry and have children with, if that is a goal.
What happens I believe is that many young people have a sexual partner and are truly connected in a number of other ways and then the female, usually, wants a commitment. Now that commitment may be that they only ‘sleep’ with one another, or it may mean they do not go out with anyone else. This can be limiting and in some cases stifling and in others an unreal expectation.
What happens with natural desires and finding others attractive? What happens with flirtation? What happens with exploring other people maybe just as `friends’ first?
Guys seem to fear commitment more than females. Females want that ‘security’ knowing he is theirs and theirs alone. Especially when sex is involved. Guys do not seem to have that same need. But to be fair there are males that are extremely jealous and want that security as well.
The fact of the matter is that it takes time to be that secure about what you offer and trust that YOU CANNOT be replaced emotionally and physically. Being young you can’t know that …. yet!
It is a lot like what was needed with marriage and maybe still for a lot of people.
The really secure and free ones know that only with total freedom and being chosen does love survive and thrive. It cannot be ordered; Legal documents don’t do it either.
How do you get someone ‘tied’ to you?
Easy. You offer what you are and the best and honest person that you are. Perfect people do not exist and love will be blind in the beginning. However, by just being open and you, and trusting what the relationship enjoys the truth will out. Enjoy and have fun. Share and communicate eye to eye; heart to heart.
He/she will want what you bring; the good and the messy and the rotten parts. If not, you have a sham relationship anyway.
It is not easy to expose yourself with the warts and insecurities. There are yucky parts to all relationships, especially over time as the real you is there in living color and without filters. That’s as it should be.
With time and experience you learn who to trust with what you say and do.
If you have been ‘burned’ or duped, or just inexperienced, time will teach you.
Now is the time to learn. It is harder later
If the same problems keep arising, you may need to take a good long hard look at what you are doing and who you are getting involved with.
Maybe even talking to a professional counselor could shed light to prevent further heartache.
Hurt and pain are all part of this journey so be prepared and not surprised. But also, do not be un-done by it. Do not let your self- esteem be threatened.
It is a big wide world out there with billions of people. You will find those that work for you. We fall in deep love maybe two or possibly three times in a lifetime.
All the rest is merely practice. Being loved and loving takes education and no university is teaching that yet!
Exclusively yours is a lovely way to live when it works.
“A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.” – Oscar Wilde