So, a couple from Mars asks an Earth couple to exchange places with them for a night to experience what each lives. They do and…
The man from Mars undresses and the Earth lady says,” Is that it… disappointing in size.” He then tells her to wiggle his right ear and lo and behold the ‘organ’ increases in length. He then tells her to wiggle his left ear and then it gets wider. They proceed to have a fabulous sexual night.
Next morning at breakfast her husband asks how her experience was and she tells him it was fantastic. She then inquires about his night. “Not so hot,” he responds, “all she wanted was to wiggle my ears all night!”
Recently, I had a darling young couple for marriage counselling. In one session, she said she didn’t want to, “Give him sex,” as she was not so happy about something he did. WOW!!
While this is a holiday season again, and we like to give one another presents; sex is not a commodity and you surely don’t go to Bloomingdale’s to buy it!
Actually, my own idea of a gift is something shiny that I can wear around my neck.
When sex is used as a bartering tool you are in trouble. It is not a bestowed gift. It is a mutually shared experience. That’s it! I often find sex being used as a method of control. Again; BIG mistake!
While we have defenses to protect ourselves sex should never be one of the barriers we put up. There are any number of defense mechanisms.
Rationalization; Trying to prove your behavior is sensible and justifiable
Denial; Refusing to accept or face the reality,
Projection; Placing blame on others
Reaction Formation; preventing feelings from being expressed by exaggerating the opposite feeling,
Compensation; making up for real or fancied inferiorities
Displacement; Discharging usually hostile feelings on others rather than the person involved
Regression; Going back to less mature behavior
Identification; Identifying oneself with someone of higher standing
Sublimation; Putting frustration into socially accepted behavior
Undoing; Counteracting what is felt as ‘bad’
Acting Out; permitting forbidden desires to be acted upon
Emotional Insulation; Withdrawing
We all need defenses and usually choose one more than others. It is our, ‘armor’ emotionally so that we are not ‘wounded.
No one can be without defenses. Some people have thick iron walls around themselves and others are more trusting and have tissue paper. It all depends on our personalities and life experiences. If we have been close emotionally and hurt by someone or repeatedly hurt by others we build up our walls.
It’s sort of like a feeling protection.
Now when it involves close relationships, and that means including sex, we can be very cautious or in today’s world not cautious at all and just have sex. We all must choose what makes us not just comfortable, but happy and feeling good about ourselves in the end.
It may take a heap of experience and time.
My own idea is to have three marriages.
The first with a responsible person to have children with.
The second for mad passionate love and fabulous sex.
The third for companionship.
Now maybe one person over time fits all three categories. Maybe not.
We are all different with different needs. We all make compromises.
The idea of giving oneself should be total and mutual or else… what’s the use?
So, yes, sexuality is a magnificent gift, BUT it is a gift we are all given and the thing is… how is it used??
“My wife is a sex object– every time I ask for sex, she objects.” – Les Dawson