At Times Mourning Becomes Us

“You never realize death until you realize love.” – Katherine Butler Hathaway

This is a very true statement. If you have really loved, you know how your heart responds to another person. When or if that loved, person is no longer a part of you; you experience a death inside.

Now this can happen in any number of situations.

It can be the loss of a parent. Usually after they have lived a long time and hopefully not suffering from an illness.

It can be the loss of a close friend.

It can be the loss of a child; young or mature it is an impossible grief.

And the one I will focus on is the loss of a lover.

If it is because they have decided to end a relationship with you, or even if you are the one realizing they are not good for you; it is a heartfelt loss.

If it occurs as a result of death it hits with a terrible finality; no matter the circumstances.

Elisabeth Kubler- Ross wrote about the five stages of grieving, thirty years ago, they are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

You can be ‘stuck’ in any of these stages, and there is no timeline for any of it.

You can also cling to the sorrow of it. You may hold on to an unrealistic idea of what the relationship actually was. You can stay isolated and not engage with people. You can create a ‘fantasy’ person as opposed to what the person really was in actuality.

Any or all of this is possible.

Living with the happy memories and what you shared is helpful. Knowing you were the source of happiness is also healing.

The thing is to move along and you are still alive.

What you do with the rest of your life is what will now matter.

Our loved one would want us to go on in a good way.

For some they are ‘buried’ with the departed.

We can forgive and forget the down or ‘bad’ parts emotionally, anyway.

Your age will determine some of this. If you are toward the end of the life span it may be the end of love in that special way. If you are younger there should be a future to share your love again.

It will never be the same as each love is special in its’ own way.
We only fall in deep love two, possibly three times in a lifetime.

Recently I was with a friend who had just lost an adult child. The sorrow was unbearable and not only that; twenty-five years ago, she lost another daughter in a car accident. Now she had one son left. When we talked, she said the only peace she had was knowing her child no longer had to suffer in this difficult life. That helped her to carry on. It is hard to imagine how a mother can continue with this difficult life herself with what life had handed her. But life is for the living and go on we do. We can go through the motions and carry on day by day.

We can have other people around us who care and are understanding. We can love and be loved in many ways; albeit maybe not the deepest one with passion.

I know several people who have transferred that feeling to a pet dog!

We can remember what we gave to our beloved and how we made them feel.

To have had that is a blessing and what this life should be about. To have shared ourselves in this most significant of ways is what we can keep alive in our hearts and minds.

Not easy and there are times when we will be overcome with unhappiness and the hole in our hearts but carry on we must. We are still HERE!!

“I think we had the chief of all love’s joys. Only in knowing that we loved each other.” – George Eliot




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