“We get together and talk, and say we think and feel and believe in such a way, and yet what we really think and feel and believe we never say at all.” – Thomas Wolfe
Have you ever been lied to? Of course, you have. Were you immediately aware it was a lie? Maybe. Maybe your instincts told you. Then again, maybe you were really not aware.
Trust comes over time and after experience with the person. Past history is a good background.
Lies are an interesting phenomena.
As children, we learn to usually protect ourselves from a parent’s displeasure or wrath.
Growing older we get stronger and are willing to risk that and say what we want and do what we choose. It takes a while to be independent and able to ‘do your own thing.’ It happens when we mature and can stand on our own two feet….and convictions. It takes courage.
There are always ‘mistakes’ we make in this life and some we pay dearly for. But make no mistake, there is always a price to be paid.
Now when an individual is not ‘grown up’ and a responsible adult they can still act like a child to get what they want. When they know, it displeases, they will lie, or say nothing about what they are doing.
If deception occurs in what was a good and loving relationship over time; it can be truly devastating.
This occurs fairly often as needs emotionally change and then the issue is how to deal with them.
If partners have a solid foundation they do not want to hurt one another and may seek ways to secretly have their needs met and maintain the primary relationship.
If the needs cannot be met at home the breach may be too great and a permanent parting of the ways may be necessary for both to survive.
The ‘wounded’ partner may seek revenge, or have to learn to move on.
There are areas that will not be tolerated and some self-esteem or even pride will not be easily mended.
Even if the two people both have secrets, how they divulge their information can help or hinder the process.
Secrets can be in any variety of issues and the individuals have to decide what they will tolerate. In some cases, the relationship can be made even stronger. In others, the needs will have to be met elsewhere or they can go on as many do; as just people who live together but without deep feelings.
Playing ‘cop’ never works and you cannot police twenty-four hours a day.
The more control the more desire to deceive. And get better at it.
There are some ‘liars’ who have that as their modus operandi, and can’t change. They may put it in abeyance for a while but it will rear its’ ugly head at some later point.
Patterns usually do not change. They were ingrained early.
If the primary bond is not strong as iron or fear of loneliness or worry over money et cetera is at play, that may keep a couple together while an extraneous relationship goes on.
Happiness is transitory and relationships change over time so living a meaningful life may be difficult at certain crossroads.
Often the truth hurts and we may try to avoid that but in the end if trust is missing the relationship is flawed. Trying to work out the missing needs with a partner should be the first step. If they cannot or will not try you are on your own.
There is a fascinating practice from India called Sati. It demands that a wife throw herself on the funeral pyre of her dead husband to end her life.
For some that may be a good ending! And remember there are arranged marriages there and dowries, so a lot going on around marital connection.
In the end the ‘atmosphere’ and manner in which two people relate to one another, whether physically, or emotionally will depend on the will to be ONE. If the primary relationship is not PRIMARY against all others, then maybe they should be separate in that most significant way; without love!!
“When men no longer have the least fear of saying something untrue, they very soon have no fear whatsoever of doing something unjust.” – Theodor Haecker